So you have left the shore of singlehood and you are now navigating the tricky waters of a relationship. You are in love and it is making you feel like you have won a lottery. I mean, there is someone to share life experiences with…someone to remind you of how incredibly wonderful you are. On the surface, everything seems perfect.
But you know, if you take a pause and reflect on everything, you will realize that everything is not actually perfectly alright. There is a nagging feeling in your subconscious that you can not just put away. I can bet it is because some things that you don’t really like are happening in the relationship. And they are probably deal breakers in a relationship that you shouldn’t take lightly.
What Is A Relationship Deal Breaker?
A relationship deal breaker is a specific issue, behavior, or circumstance that is considered unacceptable in a romantic relationship and can lead to the end of that relationship. It is something that you cannot let go of lightly and must be dealt with all seriousness. That is to say, if it is not resolved, then it can lead to the end of the relationship. I mean, Relationship deal breakers are the reason relationships break up, anyway.
How To Identify Your Deal Breakers In A Relationship?
Maybe, your partner putting their socks on the sofa instead of in the closet sucks but you wouldn’t take that as a deal breaker. Still, there are some actions from your partner that you should not just slide away. It is important that you know what they are so that you can identify them when they happen and then put a stop to it. Your happiness matters and these deal breakers have a way of tainting it greatly if they are not checked.
- The first step to identifying a deal breaker is to self-reflect. Self-reflection will help you identify what is paramount to your happiness in a relationship by understanding your own values, beliefs, and priorities.
- Make a list. After self-reflecting, make a list of your non-negotiables in a relationship. Consider factors like family, career, religion, lifestyle, and personal values. For example, a couple of mine are a true Christian, a non-smoker, and a cheater. Needless to say, a man who cheats, isn’t a true Christian and smokes isn’t for me no matter how emotional or financially stable he is.
- Lastly, open communication and set boundaries. If you’re already in a relationship, have an open and honest discussion with your partner. Establish clear boundaries in your relationship by discussing what is acceptable and what is not. Remember that good communication is key to identifying and addressing potential and actual deal breakers in a relationship.
What Are Common Deal Breakers In A Relationship?
Deal breakers in a relationship vary from person to person. What I can tolerate may not be something you can tolerate and that is okay because we are all different people.
Our different lifestyles reflect in our dos and don’ts of our relationships. But there are some deal breakers that are common to almost everyone in a relationship and it is important that you take a look at them. Some people even call them the worst deal breakers in relationships and that is why most people can hardly put up with them.
From my years of experiences as a therapist, I am able to list out fifteen deal breakers in a relationship that you should not take lightly because their presence in your relationship is most likely going to affect your happiness and I know that you don’t want that.
So here you go with the top deal breakers in a relationship that you should certainly not skip.
1. Communication Issues
Communication keeps any relationship alive, even if it is not a romantic one. When you involve in your life the person you love through conversations either in person or through texts or calls, you nourish the bond between you two.
So regular communication is not an option if you want to sustain the relationship, it is a must. And irregular communication or lack of it is not something that you should tolerate.
Communication problems are the first in this list of deal breakers in a relationship because of their gravity. I mean, I cannot believe that people still come to me saying that their partner loves them but they are not too good with communication. And I would be like, what the hell? If your partner is interested in you, they would make an effort to be involved in your life and one of the ways to do that would be through communication.
Why be in a relationship if you can’t deal with the presence of that person? So yeah, it should be a no-no for you if communication in a relationship is barely existent. You deserve someone that makes you feel seen, heard, and loved.
2. Lack of Trust
Lack of trust is a deal breaker in a relationship you should not take lightly. I mean, if you can’t trust your partner, how on earth are you two going to be able to plan together in building your future?
How are you two going to experience the fulfilling experiences associated with romantic relationships if you cannot trust your partner’s capability to not deliberately hurt you? Your partner should be one of the very persons you trust the most unless you two would be like two single people in a relationship.
Infidelity is the major cause of lack of trust and this is why when a partner cheats on the other, the relationship is most likely going to crumble. Your partner should know that there cannot be a default from being committed to you because it is something that cannot be ignored once it happens.
Lying is another factor that depletes trust in a relationship. When a partner keeps lying to you, especially for trivial reasons, then you are most likely going to be uncomfortable in the relationship. Once you can’t trust your partner anymore, then you should know that one of your major deal breakers in your relationship has been triggered and this requires critical attention.
3. Emotional Incompatibility
Imagine having a partner that is nonchalant about what you are feeling every damn time you are having a downtime. Ah, that is bound to make you go crazy. I know I would not take it lightly if my partner, the one who should be my shoulder, tells me to suck it up when something terrible like losing someone or a job happens to me and you shouldn’t too, no matter how much you love them.
Because if this continues to happen, your self-esteem will be shattered and you will no longer seek emotional support from the very person that should be your pillar.
4. Lack of Respect
Being in a relationship should not make you lose your value and that is why disrespect is one of the deal breakers in a relationship. If you love yourself, you wouldn’t take lightly anyone who tramples on your self-worth even if that person is your partner. Love should not let you forget that a person who loves you truly would not look down on you and what you stand for and here are some things to do if you’re being disrespected in your relationship to tackle it.
5. Different Lifestyle Choices
Differences in lifestyles is one of the triggering deal breakers in a relationship and this is because you shouldn’t want to spend the rest of your life arguing constantly over choices that affect both of you.
Yes, it is true that you cannot exactly be like your partner but it is a red flag if you both cannot easily reach a middle ground. For instance, if you are the type to combine work and parenting together while your partner is used to a woman being a complete housewife, then the resulting conflict might be too much to bear.
6. Neglect of Self-Care
Some time ago, I talked about the importance of self-care and various self-care ideas in the article, Self-Care Ideas For Couples: 10 Ways Mindful Couples Unwind. If you go through it, you will realize what a relationship without self-care feels like and that is something you don’t want for yourself.
If there is no effort made by your partner to be involved in self-care in order to nourish the relationship, then you should make yourself see that one of the deal breakers in a relationship has been triggered and you have to do something about it quickly.
7. Addiction Issues
Presence of addiction like alcoholism, chronic smoking, and hard drug abuse can bring a strain on the relationship. It is indeed one of the deal breakers in relationships that you should not take lightly because the partner of someone addicted to such things can go through mental and emotional trauma because of it.
A loved one…my younger sister actually went through a very nasty phase of her life because of this particular issue. Her ex was addicted to drinking and smoking and for some time, she thought she could endure it especially when many young men she knew were even into hard drugs.
For years, she was with this guy but she was not happy. She could not trust him to do anything right because he was barely sober. It took a long time for me to talk sense into her and make her realize that a deal breaker was a deal breaker whether it was of the extreme form or not and she finally walked away. She is all the better for it now.
8. Incompatible Future Plans
Love is definitely not enough in a relationship. If you two do not have future plans that are in sync, then there is going to be problems even if you both are Romeo and Juliet.
You are in a relationship because you want to spend your future together so if your plan is going in the west direction while that of your partner is going in the east direction…how on earth is it going to work? Exactly. That is why dissimilar future plans should be one of the deal breakers in a relationship that should not be ignored, not if you want a happy future for yourself.
9. Lack of Intimacy and Affection
If ‘lovey dovey’ moments are as rare as February 29th in your relationship, then there is something very wrong and it is something you should look into with all seriousness.
It is most likely that the relationship will crumble if this is not resolved. Like come on, how can there be no romantic moment in a relationship? How? If you’re looking for how to improve your intimacy levels and strengthen your bonds before you decide if the lack of it is a camel-back-breaking deal breaker then this article on intimacy might just be for you in the meantime.
10. Inability to Forgive and Move On
A relationship, whether romantic or not, can only stand if it is built on the foundation of forgiveness. As humans, we are not perfect and can hurt our partners regardless of the fact that we love them.
And if it is impossible to forgive and move on, how then will the relationship continue? Some people cannot readily forgive their partners and that is sad because that is one of the deal breakers in a relationship that cannot be overlooked.
11. Conflicting Cultural And Religious Backgrounds
Our culture and religion influence some of the important life choices we make for ourselves and if our partners cannot be in sync with them, then the relationship is not going to last. Imagine being a Christian while your partner is an atheist? Impossible, right? So you see why this is one of the deal breakers in a relationship you should never attempt to overlook?
12. Lack of Support In Times of Crisis
Relationships are a bit like roller coasters, with thrilling highs and heart-pounding lows. And you would surely need a partner who’s not just there for the highs but also for the inevitable lows.
If your partner cannot help out in times of crisis, then they are flagging one of the deal breakers in a relationship right in your face. Do not ignore it because very soon, resentment will start building in you and if that is not one of the fastest ways to crumble a relationship, I don’t know what is.
13. Lack of Quality Time
Quality time is one of the five love languages and that is to tell you how important it is in a relationship. So lack of it is one of the deal breakers in a relationship because how else will you nurture the bond between you two?
Hanging out together should be the minimum expected in a relationship and if you can’t get that in your relationship, then you might as well not bother.
If your partner does not show you that you are worthy of their time and efforts, then I think you should move on to a place where you are appreciated. You deserve it, hun.
14. Unresolved Jealousy And Insecurity
Now this is definitely one of the deal breakers in a relationship that you should not ignore, not unless you want a toxic relationship for yourself. You certainly don’t want a partner breathing down your neck everywhere you go because they can’t trust you due to past issues. No matter how much you love them, this is something you should not tolerate unless you will feel suffocated.
Once in a while, I remember the horror of being in such a relationship many years ago. I thought I would lose myself until I could take no more and finally called it quits. Nah, an insecure partner that is jealous for no reason will only drain you. I don’t see how you will be happy in such a relationship, honestly.
15. Disharmony In Social And Recreational Activities
Like I said before, you and your partner cannot have exactly the same personalities and have the same hobbies but there really will be friction in the relationship if your idea of fun on weekends would be to watch a movie or read a book or simply curl up with your partner on the couch while that of your partner is to party all night in a club. Where will the quality time and intimacy then come from?
One of the deal breakers in a relationship would be the inability of you and your partner to come to a middle ground in your social lives so that either of you will not feel neglected.
Final Words On Deal Breakers In A Relationship
In my book, these are the biggest deal breakers in a relationship and I don’t joke with them. So, with these fifteen deal breakers in a relationship that is common to most people, I hope you have now taken cognizance of the things you should never take lightly.
A relationship is not a sentence to be miserable and that is why deal breakers in a relationship, especially the ones I mentioned, should be dealt with all seriousness.
It is fair to say that not all deal breakers result in breakups. Depending on the person, some are less worse than the others and can be resolved. For your happiness, it is important that you resolve all deal breakers in a relationship immediately you notice them. I am rooting for you and your happiness. Till another time, see y’all!
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