Being in a relationship with the love of your life is one of the best things that could happen to anyone but the truth is not everyone gets to experience this. Some people go into a relationship, hoping that it would better them together with their partners only to find out that it is the very opposite. A toxic relationship is not what anyone would wish for but you know, life happens.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is that relationship that makes you feel misunderstood, unsupported, attacked or demeaned.
Sure, no relationship is perfect and their ups and downs are bound to exist but a relationship that keeps you constantly drained and stressed is toxic to you and you ought to call it quits because you deserve so much more than that. I know that when you got together with that partner, you didn’t think you would want to know how to let go of a toxic relationship when you still love them but leaving for your future happiness is better than you staying in something that continually brings you down.
And because I care about you and your happiness, I am bringing to you right here in this article eight steps that will help you in ending toxic relationships so that you can embrace a healthier future.
1. Recognizing Toxicity
People always wonder why it is so hard for some persons, especially the women folks, to have difficulty in ending toxic relationships or if they are married, look for how to leave a toxic marriage.
They ask themselves, ” Why the hell is she still with the husband?” They fail to see that the characteristic sign of a toxic relationship is that the victim fails to realize it is one until he or she has really had enough. The victim had been so mentally and emotionally brainwashed by their love for their partner that they don’t see how their relationship is messing them up. Most times, it is even their family and friends that point out the signs for them before they would have mustered the courage in ending toxic relationships.
Being a counselor for the past five years has enabled me to easily see the tell-tale signs of someone being in a toxic relationship. Okay, it is true that all the signs are not usually mutually evident in a toxic relationship but atleast one of them should be a symptom of the relationship. One of the signs that help to recognize toxicity is the fact that you are constantly unhappy. Yes, before you begin to argue with me, I know that no relationship is a bed of roses but that does not mean it has to be a crown of suffering on your head either. I mean, if you are constantly feeling uneasy, distressed and sad because you are dating this particular person, then it is high time you recognized the relationship for what it is. Another sign would be your partner obsessing over you and giving you no private space of your own. That is totally unhealthy, girl. If you can’t breathe in your relationship, then you might be going through the other steps of ending toxic relationships some time soon. Also, if your partner calls you names at the slightest inconvenience and if your parents don’t like the look of him at all, then girl, you have some evaluation to do because there is something fishy. And if you need more signs to tell you that the relationship is not going anywhere, then you can check out 8 Definitive Signs Your Marriage Is Over and get more help there. Thank me later.
2. Self-Reflection
Self reflection is the second step in the eight steps in ending toxic relationship. Okay, by now, it has finally hit you that you are in a toxic relationship. That is one hell of a realization that would certainly knock the sail out of you and you need to take a moment to digest what you can no longer hide from. It is painful, I know. Who would believe that the very person you have dedicated your time and emotions to would treat you like trash? So, you need to tell yourself that okay, you are in a relationship that is eating you alive and you should get the hell out or stop it even if it is one of the hardest things that you will ever do. It is important you do this step. Cry if you want to. Rage at the walls. Kick something. Anything. Just acknowledge, feel and accept everything. That way, you will not give in to self- denial. You will not delude yourself into thinking that maybe you were wrong about the signs that made you earlier recognize how toxic your relationship is. You will not start panicking and wondering if your partner will change if you give them more time…more excuses. It will sink into your head what you have been through and that you deserve better. Only then can you give yourself as much strength as possible to go through the other steps.
3. Seek Support
No man is an island. This fact is true especially in difficult times. At a time when you feel emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically bruised, you should seek support and strength in the arms of loved ones. These loved ones could be family members, trusted friends or even a counselor. They might not be people you know physically— an online community could be the safe place for you to turn to. It is important though that these people are not those with judging eyes and tongues. That they would be emotionally mature to not tell you “I told you so” and “How did you not see it early?” even if it was obvious that they did not like the partner from the beginning.
Two years ago, my sister was being treated badly by her fiance because he knew how badly she wanted a home and children. She tolerated so much because she was afraid of being alone in her late thirties and even though I hated it, I could not do much because I didn’t want to overstep. She was my elder sister and I knew how much she hated that she was single when all her siblings had gotten married. Oh my, I can still remember me opening my door that winter morning and seeing her standing there, a big bag in her hand and tears streaming down her eyes. The words she spoke still echo in my ears sometimes, “I am sick and tired of Peter. I don’t know what to do. I only know that I need someone to hug me.” And hug her, I did without telling her that I already knew she deserved better or that I am glad that she has finally seen how much of a jerk Peter was. I simply was there for her and soon enough, she had the strength to break off the engagement and moved on.
So yeah, you would need someone to hug you and tell you that you will soon be fine, that you are strong and can pull through this ugly phase of your life. The emotional connection with loved ones will be one of your anchors in this unsteady period and you will be reminded that no matter what, there are still people who value you…people who love you.
4. Communication with partner
This step in ending toxic relationships which is you talking to your partner over everything is not an easy one but it has to be done. You have noted the signs, acknowledged that this relationship is not healthy for you and you have seeked support and now, it is time to let your partner know that you know that this relationship has been killing you slowly but surely.
It is important that you communicate with a calm voice and not use insultive words despite how hurt you must be feeling so you would not perpetuate something that you have been a victim of. Also, if the partner is easily riled up, it is advisable you hold this conversation in a place that is not secluded either. Quiet yes, but within the reach of other people. If possible, someone who would not be in the way at all should accompany you to the place where this conversation is going to be had. Conversation should be open and honest so that your partner will see how he has become toxic to the person he was supposed to protect and love. Otherwise, the point of having the conversation would be lost.
5. Make a Decision
I would have said that this is another hard step in ending toxic relationships but I have realized none of the steps is actually easy to go through. All of them are super difficult and it is why one needs all the strength they can muster. Making a decision should be done after the open and honest conversation and this requires a lot of inner assessment. It is here you weigh the pros and cons of staying versus leaving the relationship.
Can your partner change for a better man for you and what you have together? Is staying worth it? If too much damage has been done, then you have to bring it upon yourself to make the firm decision of leaving the relationship. You have to owe it to yourself to walk from everything no matter how much it is going to cost you. Leaving a relationship, even though you were not valued and respected, is not easy but you have to tell yourself that you deserve better and act on it. There could be complications when you both have a child and now, you have to look for how to leave a toxic relationship with a child involved but you have to see that child is more reason you should leave the relationship. Your child should not grow up watching his or her mother being constantly unhappy in what should have been her safe space. So you should make your decision not only for yourself but for your child as well.
6. Implementing Boundaries
You have made the decision to walk out of the relationship and now, it is time to let your partner know so that you both can be on the same page. There is going to be resistance—Your partner is not going to take it well and most likely will plead for forgiveness or even threaten you. You have to be unwavering though. You have to mute the doubting voices that would come up on seeing him or even touching him and tell yourself that it is better this way. Tell him that boundaries such as him not being able to call or see you as it usually was have been set in place and that you plan on going through with them. Be firm and resolute when speaking so your partner would be convinced that there is no going back.
7. Detoxify Your Life
Okay, you are out of the relationship. It is time to remove all traces of the turbulent relationship you once had from your life. Doing this could be as simple as deleting contacts, unfollowing him on all social media, distancing yourself from mutual places and friends that would remind you of the relationship. Or it could be something big as quitting your job and moving out to a more distant vicinity, especially when you are looking for how to leave a toxic relationship when you live together. I know, It is not an easy step in ending toxic relationships but trust me, it is a necessary one. They say out of sight means out of mind and to a large extent, it is true. Some of the memoirs of your past with your ex might be dear to your heart but it will make it harder for you to move on and embrace a healthier future if you keep holding on to them so you have to detoxify.
8. Moving Forward
Moving forward is you finally realizing that you are in control of your life and so you are putting the ugly phase behind you and accepting new opportunities and people that are coming into your life. You are focusing on self care and personal growth so that you will not only have bounced back from the relapse the toxic relationships created, you have become stronger. In this step in getting over toxic relationships and moving forward, you are being kind to yourself and so, you are forgiving yourself for letting your ex treat you that way.. Now that you are wiser, you are going to be careful of the kind of people you become vulnerable to and at the same time, not let your past experiences overshadow your future relationships. Most importantly, you are unapologetic concerning what makes you happy.
Conclusively, let me say I do understand how it is not easy in ending toxic relationships be it short term or long term. Ending things with someone you saw a future with sucks big time but I believe staying in a relationship that depreciates you is much worse and never worth it. Hopefully, the steps I have given will be a guide to help you in ending toxic relationships and moving on. Your mental, emotional and physical well-being should be of utmost importance to you. You rock girl and nobody should tell you otherwise or make you feel otherwise.
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