One of man’s most basic needs has been a place of refuge. Without it, forces like wild animals and the harsh weather would have sent him into extinction a long time ago. Protection against these forces is why we have shelters that have evolved from caves to the mansions we see today.
Every animal has its territory which must be protected with all the willpower it can muster so that other animals do not intrude and take away what does not belong to them.
When two people mutually consent to have a relationship as husband and wife, there will be obstacles lurking, both far and near, that will want to disrupt the peace and flow of the union, and without peace, there will only be chaos.
Anything of value needs to be protected and your marriage more so.
Marriage, especially a Christian one where neither the man nor the wife would be able to leave unless under certain conditions, has to be protected, for they have taken an oath to stand by each other until death separates them, thus the importance of protecting the union.
Setting boundaries in marriage, and any area of life is imperative to maintaining and strengthening that area. Some boundaries are healthy and will promote the unity and joy that brought the couple together in the first place.
Boundaries help in avoiding manipulation and exploitation. Without a limit or a separating line, anything is acceptable, and sooner or later, that will turn out to be one of the worst decisions the couple has ever taken.
It is the same with marriage, an institution that which a man and a woman are joined together in a special social and legal dependence, to start, and maintain a family.
To avoid the early breakage or even the total demise of your marriage, you have to set clear healthy boundaries that should not be trespassed.
5 Healthy Boundaries In Marriage To Set
Several boundaries can be deployed to protect your marriage. Be sure to learn, and find what works best for you and your partner.
Below are five boundaries you can use to help protect your marriage from crumbling:
1. Communication
Communication has to take place to keep your marriage safe and heading in the right direction. Having open communications with your partner will go a long way in preventing rifts, and closing the ones that have already found their way.
When you do not spend time talking with your spouse, problems will only keep piling up, and nothing will be done about them. Probably, you or your partner does not even know there is a problem, so they keep doing the things that offend you, but when you settle down and have a conversation, all the hidden things will come out to the light, and then you will discuss ways of solving them.
Many relationships have crumbled because of a lack of communication. Man is a social being, and the ability to communicate is arguably the most integral part of socializing.
Finding the time to talk about your feelings, things that are moving well, and the things that are not will go a long way in making the marriage not only interesting but will help in solving underlying issues.
When things are going well, or when your spouse does something that makes you feel happy, be sure to compliment them- let them know what they did that impressed you or brought a smile to your face. It will spur them into doing more of the same thing.
When things go sour, talk about it. Do not keep pushing communication with the hopes that your spouse will bring it up. Go for it. Be the one to solve the problem. Let your partner know that what they did made you feel bad, and they shouldn’t do that next time.
Employ whichever communication technique works for you, but do not patronize your spouse. It may lead to mistrust when they find out you just wanted to make them feel good about themselves.
When communicating, be sure to be truthful and honest. As much as you would love to please your partner, learn to say ‘no,’ and set boundaries, then ensure you respect your spouse‘s boundaries as well.
When you communicate, determine how you set boundaries, analyze the boundaries you have set, and tweak where necessary. Talk about the ones that have been broken, if any, and find solutions so they do not repeat themselves. Remember to mind your tone and the language you use.
2. Set Boundaries For The Kids
Children are blessings from God. These angels could turn out to be headaches with time, thus setting boundaries with regards to kids is important.
If you are blessed to have the fruits of the womb, be thankful. Do not forget to put them on the right path, though, as parents easily get carried away with other activities, so much that they neglect their kids.
Other parents find it hard to discipline their wards, for reasons ranging from not being available at home, to over pampering the child. A child is said to be an open book, and if the parents do not imprint some serious discipline into the child, the child will grow up and find others who would do that.
Let me tell you a story about two children from the street I grew up in, obviously, their names have been changed for the sake of this narration. Eric was a child who got all he wanted while growing up; his parents gave him everything he asked for without ever teaching him how to fend for himself.
He knew only to ask, and everything would be provided. Eric does all he wants to do, and there are no repercussions. This turned out to be a habit, and he began to feel entitled.
One day his parents decided to decline a request from him, but the young lad had never heard ‘no’ from his parents, so he got upset and decided to get it using whatever means available. Eric ended up getting shot during an armed robbery.
His parents sat down and began to weep with regret over the horrible decisions they had made. They should have set boundaries and taught him more, but it was too late. If only they had set some boundaries, perhaps they would still have their son.
Another family raised their daughter, Mea, just a few houses down the street. They put the little daughter on the right path. They would provide according to their wallets and would tell Mea to learn to appreciate what she has, never to go out and beg, but should be content with what she has.
Whenever Mea does something wrong, she gets punished for it. With this, she learned that the world did not belong to her, and she had to work to obtain what she needed.
The parents had set clear boundaries on what is allowed, and what isn’t. It had been ingrained into her life and has now become part of the woman she has turned out to be.
She calls her parents now and then, and when she thinks of them, she says a silent prayer to thank them for the values that had been instilled into her. It will take the grace of God for one of the families to survive, simply because there were no boundaries.
With children, set boundaries and be consistent. The child would love to make you play ‘good cop, bad cop’ but ensure that you are always on the same page when it comes to setting boundaries and disciplining your wards.
3. Setting A Budget And Sticking To It
The issue of finances has sent many homes crumbling. Money can never be overrated. Although money is not everything, it makes a lot of things happen.
The love of money has been said to be the root of all evil, but the lack of it is what should be considered. There are homes where only one of the spouses has a job, the other is supporting in some other way.
Depending on the arrangement you have made with your spouse, I believe you have discussed what is best for the well-being of your family, but whatever plan you have devised, you should have a budget.
Having a budget does not make your financial problems go away, but it serves as a guide that helps you track your expenses as compared to your income.
Also, having a budget does not cut it. Sticking to the budget is a heavier task than just listing out the things that should be bought and those that shouldn’t.
A family that creates a budget and sticks to it may encounter some financial hiccups here and there, but at least they have some preventive measures in place to combat that effect.
Homes have been broken because of poor money management. No matter how much you earn, without the proper financial advice, you will be doomed.
Money may not be the solution to all the problems in your marriage, but having it and knowing how to spend it will eliminate some problems that people who do not know how to manage their funds encounter and here are some financial goals you should set while at it.
4. The Company You Keep
Friends provide peace and a little distraction from family life, but they may become detrimental to a happy home. Friends will take up all of your days if you allow them to. This could lead to your spouse not seeing enough of you, and ultimately your marriage will begin to have some trouble remaining solid.
It is good to spend some time with your friends, but it is greater to spend more time with your spouse. When you first began dating, you could easily spend days at a stretch with just each other, and you would be content, but now he/she is all you have, and you begin to feel trapped.
It is easy to fall into the trap of chasing after new things, but old is gold. Once, you could never get enough of your partner, but the effect is wearing out, and you need a breath of fresh air.
When your spouse begins to complain about the amount of time you spend with your friends, you know it’s time to cut that time and spend some more time with him/her.
A quick reminder; when you are out with your friends, you may easily be carried away and begin to talk about your spouse. It is natural, but just be cautious about what you let out. More on this on the final point.
When you have to go out impromptu with your friends and your spouse is not around, be sure to call and let them know where you will be. If it is not convenient to place a call, drop a text. It will only take a few minutes, and it will save your spouse from sweating over your safety and your loyalty.
5. Faithfulness
One natural law is ‘You get what you give.’ If you want to be loved, you should first love. If you wish to be trusted, you should learn to trust others. If you would love people to be faithful to you, then you should also be faithful to others.
Unfaithfulness in a relationship has been linked to one partner cheating on the other. As much as this is one of the problems that cause marriages to fall flat, it is not the only one.
When one partner cheats on the other, severe consequences befall the marriage, and it takes supreme deliverance for the faithful partner to forgive and learn to live with the unfaithful one.
Personal and marital boundaries need to be established regarding faithfulness. This is one aspect that is tantamount to the success of any marriage, and if you want to protect your marriage, the boundaries regarding faithfulness should cover every aspect.
Faithfulness traverses every area of a relationship. Being faithful translates to being transparent in dealing with finances, as stated in the third point about finances, being accountable to your partner, and respecting, and honoring all the other boundaries you have set.
When you set a boundary, you should be faithful and ensure that it endures, and nothing gets in the way of maintaining that boundary unless there is mutual consent to tweak or change that boundary.
When you and your spouse are faithful to each other in the ‘little’ things, the trust will build, and you will begin to trust that they will be faithful in the ‘bigger’ matters as well.
I mentioned earlier that you should be careful about what you say when you go out with your friends. You may be tempted to display your dirty linen in public. Please, don’t do that!
Being faithful allows your partner to be confident that your secrets are only for the two of you. Do not talk negatively about your partner in public, and do not let your friends or coworkers say negative stuff about them either.
Raise firm boundaries about the types of conversations you would be having. When you make it clear that your spouse is off the table in your conversation, they would have no choice but to oblige and respect your decision. They can only say what you allow them to say. Besides, most of the time, they only follow your lead.
Be careful not to use mean words while talking about your partner. They will get to hear what you say about them outside, and it hurts. Faithful people do not hurt each other.
Final Words On Boundaries In Marriage
Setting up boundaries can be the task of one, or mostly, both partners. A marriage will last if there are well-set boundaries. It is no easy feat, but you should sit and communicate openly and honestly to find common ground for setting lines that you should not cross.
Many people take boundaries to be a form of bondage, or that one partner is being bossy and controlling. Boundaries should not be set up for that purpose. Boundaries should serve as guides for building long-lasting relationships.
While setting lines that shouldn’t be crossed, do not set too many boundaries in the quest of trying to save your marriage. Too many boundaries will only defeat its cause, as one or both partners may feel trapped.
Marriage should allow freedom for both spouses, and too many boundaries will only achieve the opposite of that. Review the set boundaries now and then to see if any adjustments should be made.
Let your boundaries be a work in progress. Give yourselves time to grow and get used to them. Treat new settings as new, and understand that it will take time and patience for you to understand and flow with them.
Marriage is an institution that should be enjoyed mutually and not feel like an animal in the zoo. Live free. Set acceptable boundaries that will protect your marriage and help you enjoy your blessed union.
For more articles you might find helpful, check out Things I Stopped Doing In My Marriage To Become A Happier Wife, 5 Things I Do Daily To Strengthen My Marriage, and How I Rekindled Passion In My Long-Term Marriage!
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